I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Randomize
