This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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