so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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