new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
