meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
