If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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