I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
