Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
