So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
