Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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