fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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