I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
