I'm jealous of your bromance
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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