The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
