Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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