if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
