i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
