you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
