Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize