This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
