Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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