Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
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