I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
