I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
