Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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