I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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