Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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