I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
