I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
