i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
