literally had 100 drinks last night.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
