dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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