if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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