I bet he comes in French.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
