last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
