Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize