oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My pussy is not your playground.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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