I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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