My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
