I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize