im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The beer is more important than you right now.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
