I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
