he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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