Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
