mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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