So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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