You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Sober January is a disaster.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
