Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
