6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
