I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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