you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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