I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
