I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
