You're my little dorito
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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