I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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