Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
be right there i have to get my cape
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
