I skipped work to stalk him.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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