And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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