If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We are two peas in an std pod
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
