why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
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