I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
