Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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