just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
