One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
