how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
