i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
