just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
