Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
